"Charlie， why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked.
"Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Charlie replied.
"Well， no，" admitted his wife.
"And neither will Ted，" replied the dejected husband.
『查理，為什麼你不再和泰德打高爾夫球了?』
『你會和那種趁你不注意時就用腳推球的人一起打高爾夫嗎?』
『喔，不會』老婆承認道。
『那泰德更不會，』沮喪的老公回答。
Now that we are married，" said the earnest young man to his bride，
"I want you to stop behaving like the spoiled daughter of a rich man，
except in one way." "What is that?" asked the bride.
"You may keep on asking your father for spending money.
現在我們已經結婚，年輕的老公認真的對老婆說，
『你可別再像有錢人家慣壞的大小姐一樣了，除了一點以外。』『那一點?』老婆說。『你可以向你老爸要錢花。』
Uncle Bob: Did I tell you how my mother wakes me up every morning?
Aunt Billie: No， how?
Uncle Bob: She brings the cat to my room and throws it on my bed.
Aunt Billie: Really? Does that work?
Uncle Bob: You'd better believe that it does ---- I sleep witha dog!
鮑伯叔叔：我有沒有告訴你我媽是怎麼叫我起床的?
比利阿姨：沒有，怎麼叫的?
鮑伯叔叔：她把貓帶到我房間去然後往我床上丟。
比利阿姨：真的嗎?那有用嗎?
鮑伯叔叔：你最好相信那有用----我和狗一起睡!
My wife is still mad at me from last weekend when I came home drunk. She said， "Lips that touch liquor will never touch mine." Five minutes later she said， "What are you thinking about?" I said， "I'm trying to decide between twelve-year-old scotch and fifty-year-old lips!"
我老婆到現在還在氣我上週末喝醉酒回家，她告訴我"沾過酒後你就別想吻我"五分鐘過後，她又說"你到底在想什麼?"我告訴她"我在思考到底是要喝12年的陳年蘇格蘭酒還是吻50年的陳年香唇呢?"
If your father is a poor man， it is your fate， but，
if your father-in-law is a poor man， it's your stupidity.
如果你的父親是窮人， 那是你的命. 若你的岳父是窮人， 那就是你的愚蠢了.
Since light travels faster than sound，
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
因為光速比音速快. 所以你常會發覺人們在開口講話之前是顯得很聰明的.
A Taiwanese person is talking to a Japanese guy.
The Japanese said: In Japan we recycled all the chewing gums then make them into condoms， sell them to Taiwan.
The Taiwanese replied back: In Taiwan we recycled all the used condoms， make them into chewing gums， and sell them to Japan.
一個台灣人在跟日本人講話
日本人說 在日本我們回收所有的泡泡糖 製成保險套 賣給台灣
台灣人則回答 在台灣 我們回收所有用過的保險套 製成泡泡糖 然後賣給日本
One guy went to the doctor， and the doctor said to him:
I got one bad news for you， and a even worse one.
So the guy asked what the bad news is.
The doctor said: The bad news is you are going to die in two days.
The guy was horrified， and then said: Oh my God， this is terrible， how could anything be worse than this?
The doctor said to him: Well， I have been trying to reach you for two days now.
有一個人去看醫生 醫生對他說 我有一個壞消息及一個更壞的消息給你
那人問那壞消息是什麼?
醫生說 你在過兩天就要死了
那人很驚訝的說 天啊 這真是糟糕啊 還有什麼消息可以比這更糟的啊?
醫生說 我已經試著找你找了兩天了
There were a farther and a son in a cannibal village， and they had not eaten anything for three day. The farther told the son to go out the village to get someone to eat.
The first day son came back with a super fat guy. The farther shook his head and said: This one is too fat. Go find another one.
So the son went out again.
The second day the son came back with a really skinny guy. The farther still shook his head saying: This one got no meat. Not tasty.
So the son went out again.
Finally on the third day the son found a beautiful woman with a very nice body. The farther nodded and said: Good boy， let's take this one back then eat your mother.
有一天
在一個食人族部落
一對父子三天沒吃東西了
父親對兒子說
「兒子阿你下山去找點人上來吃吧」
兒子第一天下去
找到一個超級胖的人
父親搖著頭說：
「他太胖了你再去找一個」
兒子便再去一次
第二天
兒子找到一個瘦巴巴的人
父親又搖著頭說：
「沒肉不好吃」
第三天
兒子找到一個魔鬼身材又漂亮的女人
父親點頭說
「乖兒子我們把他帶回去吃了你媽媽」
Q: What is funnier than a dead baby?
A: Dead baby in a clown suit.
問題: 什麼東西比嬰兒死屍好笑
答案: 穿著小丑裝的嬰兒死屍